Month: June 2019

If You Wanna Hear God Laugh Tell Him Your Plans

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“If you wanna hear God laugh tell him your plans.”- Van Zandt

That pretty much summed up my pregnancy.

You see, I wasn’t planning to be a mom. I was perfectly happy being the fun aunt. I didn’t babysit often, I wasn’t maternal, and I was always happy to send my friends’ kids back when they started screaming.

Then I got pregnant.

I love my kids more than anything. For 19 months and two weeks they have been my life.

Were they planned? No. But, were they meant to be? ABSOLUTELY! And, I was meant to be their mama.

When I found out I was having twins I had no business having kids. I was a mess. I was too blinded by my own selfish wants to see that my mama, and Journey, were right all along: “you can’t always get what you want, you get what you need.”

On November 10, 2017, I became a mama. That was also the day I started becoming a better person.

To look back on the immature and selfish person I was, I don’t even recognize her anymore.

Now I understand what people mean when they say their kids saved them. Mine saved me. They were the kick in the ass I needed to finally grow up.

I’m more laid back now, more open minded. And I’ve tried and done so many new things. If I’m going to lead by example then the example I’m leading with is one that is strong, unstoppable, fearless.

Thanks to my kids I’m finally the force to be reckoned with that I’m supposed to be.

I’m Not Sad at Bedtime

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It sounds horrible, but I’m not.  I love my kids, but by the time it’s bedtime, my brain is fried.  I NEED bedtime. I need the moment of silence for all the brain cells that died during the day.

My day starts at 6:30 a.m. and ends when I go to bed.  The small window of time between their bedtime and mine is precious.  Some nights I get more done than others, but one thing is for sure, I like it as quiet as possible.

Toddlers are tiny tornadoes.  When you have twin tornadoes, you know nothing but chaos.  Between work, raising the tiny tornadoes, and trying to find time to eat, shower, and keep the house from looking like an episode of “Hoarders”, my mind moves at a million miles an hour.  I’m always in a rush, yet running late. It’s a lot! So, I now cherish and appreciate the moments of silence that I get in the evenings.

You don’t really realize just how hard you’ve been going all day until the last Ric Flair “Whoooo” is hollered from a crib and the kids finally give up and go to sleep.  It’s like slamming on the brakes. You take that deep breath, take inventory of what did and didn’t survive the storm of the day, and you decide whether to ignore it, drink a glass of wine, go to bed, and try again tomorrow, or tackle it head on.  Hey, what’s one more task on the end of your thousand mile long to-do list?

How we spend our moment of silence isn’t important.  What’s important is that we have that moment. Whether you read, clean, or just sit on the edge of the bed and stare at the wall, all that matters is that you got to unwind.

Before the kids, I didn’t like silence.  Silence was boring. Now, I appreciate it for what it is.  It’s an opportunity to collect my thoughts. It’s a chance to take a minute for myself, to remember to breathe.  It’s peace. And, it’s knowing that we’ve all survived another day.

I Should Be Sleeping

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It’s 2:30 in the morning and I should be sleeping. But, I can’t.

If I’m being honest, a lot of my lack of sleep these days comes from my own doing.

When the house gets quiet, my thoughts get louder.

Sometimes I can’t get to sleep, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and stay awake for hours.

My brain just doesn’t want to stop sometimes. I don’t understand why I need to lay here and cringe about something embarrassing that happened to me years ago. Or why I need to shop on Amazon.

I don’t understand why my mom guilt creeps in. Wondering if I’ve somehow managed to ruin my kids because I didn’t coddle them enough when they skinned their knee. Even though they stopped crying seconds after it happened. And vowing to be a better mother tomorrow.

I know I’m a good mother. I’m the one who was chosen because the Lord knew I could. And I know I can too. He will not let me fail.

But sometimes late at night, doubt creeps in.

When you become a parent, it’s like you suddenly set an impossibly high bar for yourself. You want to give your kids the BEST life possible. But, all your kids need is for you to just do your best.

When you’re lying there in the middle of the night, though, thoughts of your failures as a parent start to flood your mind. Is my very best enough?

We have to retrain our thinking in these moments. We have to remind ourselves of our successes when thoughts of our failures try to take over.

Instead of, “the house is a wreck”, we should think, “it was fun watching the kids laughing and playing outside”.

18+ years is a long time to worry ourselves and lose sleep over every tiny little hiccup. Our kids have certainly not given it a second thought. We are doing our best. As long as we do that, we have nothing to worry about.